what happens at the mikvah...

2010-09-14T19:58:00.000-04:00

of course i haven't blogged in so long and of course this is a new year's resolution so here goes again. it's been a busy week at the mikvah. here's what happened today.

the first visit was from a woman whose son had converted here 15 years ago because he was adopted from FSU. she told me a story about finding a mikvah that dated back to 600 AD in sicily.

the second visit was a conversion. i recognized the man who was converting from my building. it turns out he and his fiance live two floors up and i've seen him in the elevator a few times. she is jewish and he is from chile. one of the male rabbis briefly left the door open before he got into the water and i inadvertantly had a peek. oops!!

the third visit was the two rabbis who come here together every year between RH and YK. they have been friends for a long time. their custom is to take turns, one immerses while the other sits in the waiting area and reads the other guy's YK sermon, then they switch. afterwards they go out for lunch to discuss. it usually turns out that they have written very similar sermons with no discussion about it beforehand.

the last visit was from a woman who emailed me just yesterday to set it up. i knew from who she was referred by that she was probably sick or disabled and i emailed back to ask if she had any special needs that i could help accomodate, but she didn't get back to me about it so i figured she could manage okay. but then the parking lot guard came and told me that she was on her way through the side entrance because she was on crutches and couldn't make it to the front entrance and down the stairs. she came in very, very slowly and i could tell that something was wrong with her speech. almost immediately she started crying, and was so verklempt that it was hard to understand her. she talked for awhile and told me that she has a degenerative neurological disease and that the huge irony is that she is a physician who used to treat patients with this exact disease. she is married with a high school age son and another kid in college, and was living at home with the son and with her husband, but she said it got so chaotic there and they were being so MALE about her illness and trying to fix things for her that just couldn't be fixed and so she decided to move out. now she is living in an ashram/spiritual community which is somewhere between their home and the son's high school, very close to here, actually. he comes to have lunch with her and she goes home on the weekend. but she found this peaceful place where people are warm and supportive but pretty much leave her alone, which is what she wants---no jabbering. so she's trying to get used to it and to deal with all of her friends and family who tell her she is nuts to leave home now, especially because she will need more and more care as time passes. anyway, i just sat and listened to all of this. a hundred things crossed my mind that i could have said, but i did my best therapist impersonation and didn't turn the conversation toward me. what could i have possibly said that would have given her comfort, anyway? better to just be there with her and listen to her.

i took some towels and dried the floor of the preparation room so it wouldn't be slippery for her and she was able to do all of her prep alone. then she called me in and i stood by the mikvah as she slowly lowered herself down the railing, hand over hand. when she was all the way in, i sat on the little stool and read the blessings out loud for her, and she repeated them after me. she had asked me to do that because she knew she'd be crying too much to read them herself. the readings that she chose were all about forgiveness, asking for forgiveness for the things she'd done wrong and from the people she'd hurt. that was the really incredible part...that she seemed so messed up and injured and wronged by fate and here she was, crying for absolution.

people absolutely amaze me....

Through her Eyes

2010-04-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

Imagine entering a pool of water that you couldn’t perceive with your eyes. Imagine the courage it would take to trust the depth, the cleanliness, the safety of the water because you couldn’t ascertain those things visually. On Friday a young blind woman came for her conversion. Her father is Jewish and her mother is Catholic, but this woman has always lived as a Jew and is pursuing more and more Jewish education and experiences. She is at the point now where she can’t be called for an aliya or be counted in a minyan because of her halachic status, so she decided at the age of 24 that it was time to officially become Jewish.

After explaining to her where everything was and how to prepare, I asked her, as I always ask people, if there were any questions or if there was anything I should know to help her make her Mikvah experience more meaningful. She said she had a question about removing something. I thought she meant jewelry or something. But she said she has a prosthetic eye and said that she brought everything to take it out if I thought it was necessary. Wow!! I asked her a few questions so I could figure out if it was a real chatzitza (barrier between the water and her body) or not. How often does she take it out? Twice a year for cleaning. Does she leave it in when she goes swimming? Yes. From those two answers, I decided that it really is a part of her body and that taking it out, while possible, was just not necessary. She said that her rabbi had given her the same answer and she was just checking with me. (Phew!)

I left her to her preparations, which she did on her own. When she was ready to go in, she knocked and I went in and guided her toward the water. She took the seven steps down carefully and then clung to the wall, without knowing its depth or dimensions. My voice oriented her and guided her in her three immersions.

She had printed out the berachot in Braille and we spent a few minutes determining if a page of Braille text gets mushed up when wet. (It doesn’t.) But it was all unnecessary because even though her hands were reading the prayers, she obviously knew them by heart and said them fluently. It was really beautiful to watch. I waited until she was out of the water, held up her towel for her and then joined her parents and rabbi in the anteroom as she got ready by herself. A lot of mazel tovs, hugging and kissing. She was adamant about making the donation with her own money, not her parents’.

The last few days I have been replaying the scene in my head, each time more impressed by her bravery and independence. And each time trying to imagine the experience of Mikvah without one’s sense of sight.

On a related but opposite note, I met with a graphic artist yesterday who is going to be designing a logo for our Mikvah. She wasn’t Jewish and had never seen a Mikvah before, so I showed her around and watched her perceive the whole thing visually. Everything she noticed related to a shape (the L-shape of the steps into the water), color (the turquoise water), or pattern (the tiled walls, the seven descending steps). It will be interesting to “see” what she picked up on and how she translates that into a logo.

Feb 4th Deshiksafication and 2009 Tally

2010-02-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

Very usual conversion. A shiksa marrying a Jewish guy. She: pearls and a little black dress. The guy: tortoise shell frames, wool checked pants and wingtips. Both sets of parents. The goyishe parents: weirded out but supportive. The Jewish parents: Federation-approved and Nordstrom-attired. Sorry I have such superficial things to report...I didn't really interact with them much. There was a female rabbi who witnessed the immersion and I was busy doing a tally of the 2009 guest book. Here are the results.

Brides 34
Grooms 12
Adult Conversions 117
Child Conversions 81
Taharat Hamishpacha 71
Pre-Holiday 20
Other 29

I really wish that conversions were not the biggest number. It would be fine if the number of conversions stayed the same, but in the coming years, my goal is to boost the number of all of the other categories so that the conversions become the minority, not the majority.

Jan19th

2010-01-19T14:32:00.005-05:00

This past Shabbat, Parshat Vaera, I was leyning. It was also my day to use the mikvah. So I took my nice shul clothes with me and went to the mikvah first thing in the morning, practically in my pajamas. I have never done that before. Dipped before leyning. Sounds like something from the Bet HaMikdash, doesn't it? It sort of felt like I was getting ready in my dressing room before making a stage appearance. But that's just ego talking...

On Sunday afternoon, a family came with their adopted baby, who is 10 months old. The family has already adopted once and this is their second child. Both children are black. Although I wasn't there, I am sure that the Bet Din was a no brainer, given that the father is a rabbi. One set of grandparents were there too. One other nice thing was that during their Bet Din, I was tutoring a bat mitzvah student who turned out to be their neighbor, so my student and her mother got to be there for the mazel tovs.

On Monday morning, a woman came for her monthly visit. She just got married a few months ago and has been coming to the mikvah every month. I am really happy that she is keeping the mitzvah. She said that last month she was on vacation and toiveled in the ocean.

Today I had a bunch of conversions. The first one was a 19 year old woman whose father is Jewish and whose mother is Chinese American. She always considered herself Jewish until she went to college and her friends started asking her about her family so now she went through a formal, Reform conversion, which she called an Affirmation.

Then there was a woman from South Africa who was in her 60s and was very verklempt about her mikvah and her whole conversion. I don't know her whole story but she kept on saying she had waited her whole life for this day. Her husband came in from SA just for this event. If I get the shmooz on her from her rabbi the next time he comes I will blog about it then.

The next conversion was a man who came with his wife. There was something about his movement and his speech that was off. I explained the mikvah process to him and his wife made sure that he understood what to do. When we left him in the room to shower by himself, she told me that a year and a half ago, he suffered a brain injury and that the doctors said there was no hope for him to live. They were planning his funeral and now, 18 months later, he was here to celebrate his conversion. The rabbis said he had begun the conversion process before the injury and put it on hold for the first year afterwards, but then came back certain that he wanted to do this. His poor wife looked completely maxed out. I thought that she would have been more emotional, especially at Shehechiyanu, which is when most family members tend to lose it, but she was a brick. I was so glad that he was in our mikvah, reaching this milestone in his recovery here, I nearly lost it and I don't even know the guy!

The last two visitors today were a 6 month old baby girl and her one and a half year old brother. Their father is Jewish, from New Jersey and their mother is Eastern European and clearly not Jewish, but definitely seemed supportive. Nothing too unusual about those folks.

Jan 15th Conversions

2010-01-19T14:11:00.005-05:00

The first candidate today was a French woman who came with her Belgian Jewish husband and his sister. Her English was not so great and my French is non-existent so the sister-in-law translated all of my instructions and also came into the room to witness the immersions. The woman converting was also pregnant, and so the baby is automatically born Jewish. The couple may be moving to Istanbul soon, and wanted to get this done beforehand.

The next visit was a family whose mother and two children, a girl aged 10 and a boy aged 5, were all converting. First the mother did her immersion and then put on a bathing suit and sat on the mikvah steps while each child went in, one at a time. The girl didn't really need help, either immersing or saying the berachot, but the boy needed a little assistance so it was good that the mother was there for him. They said the berachot so beautifully. I always consider the Shehechiyanu to be a shibboleth, especially for children. If a person can say that tongue-twister, then you know they are one of the peeps.

The last visit that day was a woman in her late twenties who was SO EXCITED to be converting. She came with a Latin or Filipino boyfriend and a girlfriend who is Jewish. The girlfriend said that she was there because they have been friends for over four years and she knows this is the biggest day in her friend's life. Her friend, who works for a large Jewish organization, said that no one in college believed that this woman wasn't actually Jewish from birth. That's how active and knowledgeable she already was. The woman's mother is a christian minister of some sort and is not happy about her daughter's conversion but the daughter didn't seem to care at all. In fact, they brought champagne and we had a l'chaim! At 12 in the afternoon, no less! The boyfriend seemed supportive but was a little clueless about what it all meant to her...I have a feeling this sheyna maidel is going to find herself an NJB in the next few months.

Groom/Bride

2010-01-14T21:52:00.004-05:00

Yesterday a groom came to use the mikvah. His wedding is this coming Sunday. He was so earnest and cute, a real NJB. He said that he had used a mikvah before because he is a Kohen (doesn't it look more like a transliteration and less like someone's last name when I write it with a K?) and after going to a cemetery he goes to the mikvah. He said there were no other mikvahs in this area, however, that let men in. Hmmm, I will have to look into that! I asked if his bride was going to the mikvah before the wedding too. He said yes, tomorrow. I forgot that I had an appointment scheduled with someone for today, so I just figured she was doing hers elsewhere. I showed him around and left him to do his thing while I went upstairs and tutored a bar mitzvah student.
Then today I had a bride who came with her mother, sister and brother's wife (SIL). All very nice women. I'd had such a busy day and wasn't thinking about yesterday until I asked her where the wedding was going to be and she said the same hotel that he had said. Then I realized that they were marrying each other...such a cute couple. I wish them a lot of mazel and hatzlaha.

Jan 8th

2010-01-10T01:11:00.001-05:00

I’m not even at the Mikvah today but so assiduous am I in my 2010 resolution that I blog forth bechol zote. I am on my way to another city to visit family and can’t be at the Mikvah today to welcome today’s visitor. But I like her story, so I’ll tell it here. Actually, I don’t even know her whole story! All I know is that she lives way out of town, with a river or another body of water nearby that she uses for her tevilah on a regular basis. But during the winter months, when it is too cold** to step into that water, she uses our Mikvah instead. I love that she has her own Mikvah and that she has this winter option as well. For her sake I really hope the temperature was turned up since the other day! Oh yes, and just to clarify, my friend and neighbor, who is my substitute shomeret sometimes, is meeting her there for me.
**What did our foremothers do? I know, I know, I’ve heard the stories about hacking at the ice with knives until it melted enough to jump into the frigid waters deep inside a Soviet-era basement.

Jan 5th

2010-01-05T13:08:00.004-05:00

The 9am appointment was a no show. I hope that name on my calendar with no phone number didn't refer to someone else I was supposed to meet somewhere besides the mikvah!! A good reminder to always get the person's cell phone number, although she sounded unequivocal about it when she made the appointment last Friday morning.

The 10am appointment was a woman in her 60s who is celebrating her adult bat mitzvah for the first time this coming Shabbat. She goes to a reform shul about 40 miles from here. (Actually several women from that shul have been here in the last 6 months. I should make a point of asking their rabbi if he's been talking up the mikvah.) She came with her son, who is also a local rabbi, but not at her shul. I know him from the times that he has brought his own conversion candidates here. She did her immersions solo, and he and I stayed in the anteroom, chatting and answering AMEN to her berachot. When she came out, all coiffed, she said how great it was but that the water was too cold (eek!). Mazal tov to her and best of luck chanting her 18 pesukim!

Blogging Resolution for 2010

2010-01-04T22:02:00.002-05:00

I hereby resolve to blog about every visit to the mikvah this calendar year. Blee neder.

HaSodot/The Secrets

2009-05-18T15:02:00.004-04:00

I don't know who to recommend this movie to but if you are interested in lesbian midrasha students in Tzfat, nude mikvah scenes, kabbalistic healing ceremonies or the possibility of women in the orthodox rabbinate, then here is an excerpt from an Israeli movie called "HaSodot" (The Secrets). Like most Israeli movies, it doesn't know where to end, but unlike most Israeli movies I've seen, at least the dialogue in this one doesn't reach screaming volume within the first ten minutes.

3:30 pm erev shabbat

2009-05-18T11:15:00.003-04:00

Don't ever come to my mikvah a half an hour late for a 3pm Friday appointment, which I have graciously rescheduled since you are a busy kallah and you are getting married on Sunday and couldn't make the much more reasonable appointment time of Thursday at 1pm.

Especially without your towel.

Even if I don't have guests coming for Shabbat dinner, which I did, I will rush you and be quite curt, which is not my usual M.O. at the mikvah. At all.

I apologize and hope you had a lovely wedding. But really, come on.

orthodox monopoly on mikvahs in israel

2009-04-23T20:57:00.005-04:00

check this! out

It is not surprising, but still quite upsetting.

how to throw a mikvah party

2009-04-20T07:56:00.002-04:00

check this out!

i would add only that music and songs would be a lovely addition, like something along the lines of this song

2009-02-28T09:37:00.012-05:00

About a week and a half ago, there was a weird visit to the mikvah that I wasn't sure if I should blog about or not. Since then, it has been somewhat illuminated for me, so here goes...

A man came with his son, wife, and son's godmother. The man was in his 60s or maybe older. The son was 4 years old. The wife looked in her 40s and the godmother in her 30s. They were both black. The boy was black too. On first glance, the man looked like a light-skinned older black person, but after speaking with him I realized that he was a white Jewish guy in a rastafari-style kippa with a younger black wife and child. He was coming to convert his son.

When I was introduced to the man by his rabbi, I got an unmistakable whiff of pot. "Hmmm," I thought, "what is this about?" After I showed them in and explained what to do, the man and his son both started getting undressed in the waiting room instead of going into the dressing and showering room. They just took off their clothes in front of me and the rabbi!! I thought that was kind of funny, but I didn't do anything to correct them. (Definitely a first in my time at the mikvah.) Fortunately the man was wearing a bathing suit under his pants!! While he was taking off his jacket, a lighter came flying out of the pocket. The boy was full of smiles and so agreeable (which not all children at the mikvah are) about going in the "big bathtub," as he called it, with his Abba.

I was thinking to myself, "How could someone be mastul for their son's conversion? Why would they want to experience it like that?" I was trying not to be judgmental about that but I guess I was just surprised. Not by weed in general, but by someone's choice to combine it with this ritual. I had never thought of the possibility of that before, but okay, I'm open. But even still, if you're going to be high for your son's mikvah, are you going to make it a high "experience," like with music or singing or candles or any kind of enhancements? No! He didn't do any of that. He was in and out in less than a minute, no playing with the boy in the water, no special words or songs or anything. It didn't even seem like any kind of simcha for the man, even though the boy was excited and the mom seemed fully supportive.

As they were leaving, the man said he forgot his wallet and that he would leave the money for me when he came back for minyan in the evening. He said he would definitely be there because he was leading it. (High? That is something else that I would have to figure out how I feel about, but not now.) "Okay," I said, but I gave him a payment envelope just in case. The boy signed his first name in the guest book and they were off.

Well, the whole appointment was just mysterious to me. I didn't get it. I thought that maybe the guy wasn't very religious but was just converting his son to appease his elderly parents or something. I conjectured that perhaps even as a sixty-something, he might want to fulfill his parents' wishes while still giving them the finger in some way, so he got high in the car right before he came in to the synagogue.

I just let it all go and wondered whether or not to blog about it. I decided not to at first because it's kind of questionable content and I am new to blogging. Also I am a reluctant writer in general, so any reason not to have to write will do.

About a week and a half later, I was at morning minyan. I asked the two cantors who were there if they knew the man and if he leads minyan there sometimes and they said yes. I said (and I would only say this to them because they are clergy at this synagogue and therefore could have other ways of knowing that this person had been to the mikvah) that he was at the mikvah recently for his son's conversion.

One of them said, "No, it must have been his grandson."

"No, the boy was calling him 'Abba' and the boy's mother was introduced to me as his wife so I'm sure it was his son," I said.

"Oh, that's right," he said, "his grandson was the one who drowned at the **** pool a few years ago. There were adults and swimming teachers and life guards there and full supervision but somehow the boy wound up on the bottom of the pool."

"Hmmm," I said. "I didn't know that."

And in that moment, everything became clear to me. Why he would want to, uh, self-medicate before putting a child under water, why the whole thing was over with so quickly, and why it just didn't feel like a simcha. And now, as I am thinking about the child's name, I get why, in Hebrew, it means "drawn out of the water."

through someone else's eyes

2009-02-18T12:48:00.004-05:00

Today I had to go to the doctor and couldn't make a mikvah appointment for two conversions. I asked the rabbis' secretary if she could cover for me and she agreed. When I got back from the doctor, this email was waiting for me in my inbox.

Hi ****,
Everything went very well. I really enjoy being there for conversions. Everyone involved is happy and looking forward to a new life. One of the guys today is Pakistani and up until this morning, Muslim. The rabbis and cantor said it was the first time they converted a Muslim.
I hope you find out what’s going on with your *** and I hope the doctor can make it better, easily.
Talk to you soon,
****

children in the mikvah

2009-02-12T07:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we had seven conversions, four of whom were young children (ages 2, 5, 6 and 11). It was so exciting to see how well their parents had prepared them for the event and how supportive the extended families were as well.

wow

2009-02-02T21:26:00.002-05:00

check this out and watch the different screens appear on the iphone

http://www.cartoonbarry.com/2009/02/jewish_family_purity_iphone_ap.html

pronounciation of "mikvah" and terms for mikvah lady in hebrew and yiddish

2009-01-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

http://www.forward.com/articles/12464/

clientele

2009-01-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

This past month, the mikvah has seen visits from:

2 brides
a female rabbi observing her monthly cycle
a 50 year old woman who comes once a year for spiritual renewal
a doula from Israel observing her monthly cycle
a woman whose husband has male-factor infertility yet is trying to conceive and uses the mikvah monthly for support
a pregnant woman (37 weeks) praying for lida kala
10 or so conversions, several of which were children
a man who didn't tell me why he was there
a woman who has been married for several years who is just starting to come monthly
a married couple who observe niddah and mikvah
an unmarried woman in a committed relationship
me
a rabbi's wife resuming her cycle after having a baby
a cantor who observes his wife's monthly cycle